Archive for the 'Craigslist ads.' Category

17
Sep
09

Craiglist ads.

By Art. Life. Performance. Drawings. Music. 1 Comment
Categories: Craigslist ads.

Ok, (facebook friends have seen this already, but there’s more to it)… So a few days ago I posted this ad, testing my theory that if you post a Woman seeking a Man on craiglist, you can post any goddammed thing and get your inbox flooded with eager gentlemen.  I put this ad up.

Where is my man? – 30 (Here.)

 I don’t get why guys don’t come after me more. I’m pretty good looking (for somebody who is full of self-hatred.)

I am pretty good in bed. I don’t do anything wrong. I lie very still and go “Thaaatta boy, thatta boy…Thaaaatta booy.”

So I am putting up this ad.

Hopefully, my here and now man is reading the ads on Craigslist.

  • Location: Here.
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
   
   

As expected, I’ve been flooded with replies, many of them responding as if my ad were totally normal.  “You sound great, would love to meet.  I’m 5′10 and love to water ski”  etc.

I told my friend Rachel this, and she encouraged me to try an ad out saying I’m fat and ugly but nice, and see how well that goes. 
So I posted this one:

Ugly Duckling with a Heart of Gold.

Hello gentlemen!

Lets get the minuses out of the way: I’m not what people would call pretty. I’m overweight and my skin is kind of blotchy..

The pluses: I have a big heart. I am kind, caring, and I like to make a man happy. (I don’t really like to have sex though, to be honest, because I feel awkward and upset when I do. But I will be there for you otherwise, to listen and support.)

  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

 1

Sure enough, she was right.  I’ve gotten 5 replies.  Only 2 of them seemed interested.  Here’s the most recent response:

 

I saw your post on craigslist and I’m not a guy (or a girl looking to date females(. But I read your post and I have to say it really struck a chord for me. I just wanted to forward my respects to you. I think it’s incredibly brave that you phrased what you can offer to potential guys and I dunno.. I think it’s inspirational. You said you have blotchy skin..but that’s easily manageable. If you’re interested in clearing up the blotchiness you can take one egg, crack it open and use only the white not yolk for this mixture.. and add some drops of lemon juice. lightly whisk it up until it’s foamy. put a light layer on your face and let it sit for no more than 15 minutes. Your skin will tighten and become more clear, I promise! Do this routine every week any more than once a week will lose its effect. Yep. Heh. I know this is probably really random and weird..since I’m a complete stranger, I just had to send my regards.

 

Take care! and best of luck to you!
Anna.

I’m really sad for this fake person I’ve fabricated. Here’s the nicest male reply:

Everyone is beautiful in their own way. I like a heart of gold. Please tell me more about you. I’m a nice guy, 5′9″. 180ish, brown hair and brown eyes. Have lots of hobbies but mostly I like to travel, read, cook and go to the beach. I look forward to your email.

These two could be soul mates, but she isn’t real…

I’d make some astute commentary about this, but I’d rather put on my pajamas and watch a movie. Good night now, y’all.

11
Jan
09

Valentine’s Day Experiment: Done!

By Art. Life. Performance. Drawings. Music. Leave a Comment
Categories: Armchair Performer Holiday Celebrations, Caila's Music Show, Craigslist ads. and Valentine's Day.
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

In spite of the fact I am a complete Spaz.

it actually went remarkably Well!!!

A handsome, witty gentleman greeted me at the diner.  I still am not sure what his name is.  He had an envelope with him. 

I did in fact break out into a sweat.  Nerves. Plus,  it was warmer out today, and I’d walked swiftly in an unnecessary jacket.  I almost immediately had to run to the facility to wipe my brow.

I returned and he pulled out an inkblot Rorscharch test.   I drew a bumblebee.  He drew a twist between a dog and elephant.

Here are the bulk of pictures we communicated through..

09
Jan
09

Valentine’s Day Experiment #1.

By Art. Life. Performance. Drawings. Music. Leave a Comment
Categories: Armchair Performer Holiday Celebrations, Atop The Refrigerator, Caila's Music Show, Craigslist ads., Performance and Valentine's Day.
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Valentine’s Day is the next shitass holiday drugstores are telling us to get excited about.

Grandma too, she even says “Caila I wish you’d advertise yourself on the Internet and find a man before it’s too late.”

I have been single for a VERY LONG TIME. 

I’ve become set in my ways, like a lonely old woman with her cats minus the age, minus the cats.

I honestly don’ t even know if I could DO being With somebody at this point.

But in the name of this upcoming so-called-holiday, in the name of The Church of Walgreens, in the name of human need for ritual being brilliantly reduced to sheer profanity, I am gonna go ahead and give it the good old college try!

Quick song edit, Quick routine atop the refrigerator.

Experiment #1:

Just posted an ad on Craigslist as Follows.

“Performance Artist Seeking Experimental Date Prior to Valentine’s Day. – 230

——————————————————————————–
Reply to: ……@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-09, 12:55AM PST

Let’s meet for brunch. On this date, we must not exchange a single word except to the waiter/waitress for the ordering process. I suppose we can draw [wholesome] pictures for each other to communicate.

Send me a photo, I’ll send mine. “

Let’s see what sort of responses I get.