Archive for the 'Stories.' Category

11
Jan
10

chicks with dicks

On the November I moved to New York, I wrote the first draft of a novel, entitled “Chicks!! With Dicks!”   Here’s a choice segment:

“I am bouncing one of those super balls against the wall. It keeps hitting me on different parts of my body. My belly! my breast! my forehead! I broke my glasses, but it didn’t phase me. I would not stop with the ball for this. I won’t drop the ball. Toss toss toss! I am reckless. Nothing in the world scares me anymore. Everything I loved disappeared, or so it seemed. But everything I loved was a figment of my imagination, so I could imagine it up again. And now, here I am in this cracking dirty white room playing naked with my royal blue ball, period’s running out of my penis, spilling wet pellets on the ground, a very nationalistic picture. I whip the ball against the wall, and it busts my nose. The sun sets. My nose dribbles a streamline of blood all over my chest. I don’t wipe it off. The sun rises.”

This is one of the more pleasant paragraphs…  My creativity was a lot nastier, darker and more fragmented then, as it was the only means I had for purging the negativity from my brain and being.

I want another prolific phase.  I haven’t done stand-up in over a month, and now I feel rather phobic and disdainful about doing it again.  It’s gratifying, but I get so anxious it’s damn near intolerable.   I want a big creative project soon…  Hopefully, I’ll get into a class or two at city college next week and it’ll fire me up at least a wee bit.

06
Dec
09

(girl on bus)

Last week, there was a young, trendily dressed woman across from me on the bus. She looked choked up. She shut her eyes and a stream of tears slid down one eye. When the tears reached her mouth, she’d lick them off with her tongue.

I saw her again today on a different bus, this time with a group of girlfriends. She still looked a bit sad, not bursting over the seams. I turned off my music to eavesdrop. She was saying “I don’t want to hire my friend as my personal assistant, because there are sides of me that–as my friend–I don’t need her to see.

Her friend chimed in “Kind of like not wanting your friends as roomates. You have to have some boundaries.”

Nobody listened to this friend. Her face flashed with a grim greyness.

The bus hit my stop and I hopped off.

11
Nov
09

Protected: Tell Me THIS IS NOT A TRUE STORY.

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04
Nov
09

Fluffernutter.

Once, there was a male hamster spotted in a pet store by a heavyset chainsmoker named Lorraine. He was running to a nearly psychotic degree in his wheel, and Lorraine fell in love, purchased him, and named him Fluffernutter.

Fluffernutter lost his back right foot one day. Here’s the story: Lorraine had over-fed him his pellets and Fluff got weird in his hamster wheel–he ran too hard and hadn’t stretched first. His little heart beat violently, and he vomited a little, slipped in the vomit, got his foot stuck in the wheel, and continued to run nonetheless. Next thing you know blood was squirting out from a hole in Fluff’s leg where his foot had been. Lorraine put some Neosporin on the wound and stitched him up with a needle and thread.

Fluffer N. stopped wanting to run in his wheel. The loss of his foot marked a loss of hope for little fluff. Back when he had the foot: Ohhh.. he was damned good at what he did! The king of the world! None of the other hamsters could run like he did with his particular styles and graces.

Now, he felt like a real hobbling dumbass when he attempted the wheel.

Unfortunately there was nothing else he could do in his little cage that felt good. So he’d jump in the wheel and clunk around in it, crying a little while Lorraine puffed away on Old Golds and watched wheel of fortune (Of all shows, Lorraine!) and ate ding dongs.

One day, Fluff felt a warm darkness seep through him. He welcomed it, closed his little eyes one final time, and went to sleep.

19
Oct
09

sandy and the tattoo…3

Sandy’s at home and in bed, trying not to roll onto her shoulder, which stings.   She hears a whispering sound.  “sssss”

Where is that sound coming from? Sandy wonders aloud.  Nobody answers, because Sandy is alone.  Her husband is on a business trip.  Her 3 year old daughter is asleep.

Two weeks later, the tattoo is healed.  It’s a bright red snake with teeth sunk into a green apple and a glimmer in its indigo eye. Sandy’s baffled that the lady at the parlor gave her this tattoo.  She has no affinity for snakes.

“SSSSaaandy.”  The tattoo says.  She jumps.  That was where the whisper of two weeks ago had come from.

“Ssssandy!”  A tear slides down Sandy’s cheek, and she feels an odd sensation in her shoulder.  Her skin ripples.  Suddenly, there is a dimple in her arm where her shoulder use to be.

“Ssssandy, Caila has sent me here to eat you alive, so she can finish this story which she is tired of.”

Sandy weeps.  “nooo, please no.  I have a whole life ahead of me!  I have a family I love who loves me unconditionally! My parents worked hard for years just like their parents did to sculpt me into the generous, interesting, gorgeous, brilliant woman I am, and I have the skills to pass fine morals and strong character onto my children!  I am full of talent, drive, self-discipline, potential!  Do this to another character, someone with nothing to offer the world, somebody at the dregs of our culture who makes our planet a more, disturbed, miserable place! Not me!  Not me!”

“you should have known better than to walk into that placccce” the snake hisses. Sandy feels an odd sensation in her arm.  The skin ripples and suddenly, there is only a nub where her arm once was.

“I don’t know why I went in there, snake!  I never meant to!  Don’t Do this!  Don’t kill me!  Tell Caila people will think she’s a psycho for writing a story like this! Tell her I have a husband, children!”

Sandy feels a tingling in her feet, and falls to the ground, a stump.

“Tell Caila people will think she’s politically incorrect for writing this!  Making fun of the handicapped, what’s her problem-uh?!”

“Sssssandy, this has nothing to do with making fun of anyone.  Caila just doesn’t want to spend more time writing this story, as she doesn’t have the concern or attention span.  She created you, anyhow, at least you lived a moment.  Now shut up, or don’t.  I’m not listening to you, and nobody reading this story can save you.”

The tattoo continues to eat Sandy alive until there’s but one bloody speck left on the green apple.  The snake licks the speck off, gobbles it down.  Suddenly, it is no longer a tattoo of a snake, but a real snake, which gobbles the apple down in one gulp and melts into the grass, shining in the sun, no longer detectable.
THE END.

snake

18
Oct
09

sandy and the tattoo–part 2

“May I help you?”

“I’d like to get a tattoo.”  Sandy feels her mouth move and hears the words come out of her mouth, but she hadn’t planned on getting a tattoo this evening.  In fact, she’s baffled that she even stepped into this place.

“Of what variety?” the woman asks, and her eyes flash with startling kaliedescopic colors.

“Surprise me,” Sandy blurts, again feeling like a puppet that she cannot control.

Next thing you know, Sandy is lying down on a puffy velvet crimson couch while this odd lady tattoos the shit out of her arm…  The woman’s hair billows as if in a cool wind, though the air is still.

17
Oct
09

sandy and the tattoo–part 1.

Here is another story–I am making it up now:

Sandy’s walking through the fog on a dark, cold night.  A neon flashing sign–pandora’s tattoos–2 blocks from her house.  Why didn’t I notice this place before?  There are curious little figurines on the window–3 little gnomes with pink noses warming their hands over a miniature campfire, a twirling skeleton ballerina, a yellow clay house with a locked out, wilted poodle curled in a ball on the doorstep. 

pandora

Though she needs to go home and wash her hair and get her schoolwork done, Sandy pushes the door open and walks into the tattoo parlor.

A woman with stylishly mangled black hair, a pleather crimson mini dress, psychedelic swirling tights, and purple reading glasses sits in a rocking chair knitting a long green snakelike article, too thin and long to be a scarf.

The door clicks shut.

16
Oct
09

Philip, Pierre, and a broken unicorn.

here’s a little story (I’m making it up now):

Philip’s parents are on a date, and Aunt Charlotte is babysitting for him.  Charlotte tucks Philip in his soft starry blankets to go to sleep. 

“Tell me a story,” Philip implores. 

“Very well, Philip. What would you like to hear a story about?” 

“A unicorn!  A unicorn!”

“That’s rather girly of you!” says Charlotte.

“NO, IT ISN’T!!” Philip says.

“Yes,” says Charlotte, “It is..  But! You want a story of a unicorn, I will tell you a story of a unicorn. Here:

There once was a little unicorn named Pierre.

When Pierre was five, his horn snagged in a tree and broke off. His head bled, and a scab formed.   

Pierre tried to keep playing with the other unicorns, but he felt too awkward and out of place to have a good time with them.  He always suspected they were whispering cruel things.  Back when Pierre had his brilliant, shining horn, he felt powerful and warm with glittery tingles shooting through his body.  With no horn, Pierre felt raw, vulnerable, ugly.  His blood felt cold and heavy, his eyes drooped.

 unicorn

Pierre’s scab fell off, didn’t leave a scar. From that day on, everyone Pierre has met has assumed he is a horse.

Pierre plays with other horses, always feeling out of place, though the horses are always quite kind.  Over time, he’s become convinced he isn’t a mythical, magical, otherworldly creature, really.  He is of this world.  He is a horse.  Every day, Pierre rolls the word around over and over again in his mind like a broken record “Horse..  Horse.. Horse..”  

When wind coarses through his mane, he doesn’t appreciate it.  

When Pierre drinks clear water from a sparkling stream, he doesn’t appreciate it.

When the sun shines on Pierre, he feels annoyed by the heat.

Occasionally, Pierre sheds a tear or two.  Occasionally, a mare asks Pierre to sow her fields.  Once,  a brown and white spotted horse named Daisy showed Pierre a pregnancy test with a blue plus sign…  “And you’re the only one I’ve ever been with, Pierre.”  Briefly, Pierre entertained whether their baby might be a unicorn, though he said nothing aloud.

The baby was born.  It was a horse.  Pierre guffawed, galloped far away into another horse village and started over.

Eventually, Pierre’s tears ran out.  He is still alive, carrying on.”

Charlotte looks down at Philip.  He’s fallen asleep.  Good.  She walks into the living room and watches the 700 club on television.

From here on, everytime Pierre sees a horse, a pony, or even the fake ones on the merry go round, he feels a little broken inside.