Archive for the 'Kirk Cameron' Category

07
Feb
10

story of my life… part 77

By Art. Life. Performance. Drawings. Music. Leave a Comment
Categories: Elementary School., Kirk Cameron and The Story of My Life

I got my reply from Kirk Cameron in the most devastatingly impersonal way– a Tiger Beat magazine centerfold featuring Kirk reclining on a massive bed of fan mail, holding a gigantic postcard with a glittery proclamation–”Kirk, I’m your #1 Fan!”   I knew nothing in the needy letter I’d scrawled in desperation outweighed this sparkling atrocity.

The background was pink, and he perched his toothily grinning, self-satisfied face on a handsome hand.

I stared into his 2 dimensional eyes and knew he’d never be mine.

Update:  Kirk Cameron is now an active Christian evangelist and is a partner in running the Way of The Master ministry.

It’s probably for the best he didn’t come and get me–seems we’re not as compatible as I’d presumed.

Click here to take a quiz and see if Kirk Cameron thinks you’re going to hell!

26
Jan
10

story of my life… part 76

By Art. Life. Performance. Drawings. Music. Leave a Comment
Categories: Elementary School., Kirk Cameron and The Story of My Life

(If you are just tuning in, have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, and feel like reading this story from the get-go, click here.)

I waited for Kirk Cameron’s response to my letter.

After a week, I figured “It’s arrived.”

After 2 weeks, I figured “It’s been delivered by his assistants into his hands.”

3 weeks passed, and I assumed he’d been preparing a heartfelt response.

“Any day now, Kirk will come,”  I figured.

I waited, daydreaming, for months.

17
Jan
10

story of my life… part 75

By Art. Life. Performance. Drawings. Music. Leave a Comment
Categories: Artistics, Elementary School., Kirk Cameron and The Story of My Life

It’s possible that I turned to Kirk Cameron because my attempts at finding a boyfriend in the 4th grade class didn’t go smoothly.

I had a crush on a little Korean boy named Nahm Lee*.  I daydreamed that he and I could be boyfriend/girlfriend. We could sleep together. At this point, I thought  ”sleeping together” meant sleeping next to each other in bed.

I spent one Sunday mustering up the courage, grabbed the white pages, and called every single number with the last name “Lee” in the book, until I finally reached his family.

“May I speak to Nahm?”

His mom called him to the phone.

“Hello?”

“Nahm?”

“Yes?”

“This is Caila, from class.  I was calling because, um…  Will you be my boyfriend?”

There was a slight pause.

“No.”

“oh…  Please?”

“No.”

“Pleeeease?  I’ll be a nice girlfriend.”

“Go suck a muffler.”

“ok. Bye.”

“Bye.”

We never spoke again.  I didn’t even know what a muffler was.  It sounded like “muffin”, but I knew that whatever it was, it was worse than a muffin, not a good thing at all.

There was a pudgy blonde boy named Bradley that all the girls took to chasing around.  I hadn’t thought he was so great, but Nahm had embarrassed me, and all the girls thought he was the hottest creature alive, so I figured what the hell, I’ll run after him, too.  I mean this literally.  He’d run around the field at recess, and we would run after him.  My sprint was half-hearted.   I bah-ed and ran with the sheep, but he was sure to go for Courtney, the cute redhead with a spattering of freckles who introduced me to the imprisoning concept of designer labels, or Aracely, who’s mom let her wear eye makeup and lipstick to school, or Editha with the lithe frame, exotic eyes and long, high ponytail.

Bradley barely acknowledged my existence, which was fine, I didn’t like him anyway.  Kirk was 20 times better in every way, and he would love me if he knew me.  Kirk wouldn’t care if I didn’t have fancy clothes and dark eyelashes, he’d recognize me for the treasure I had, deep within.  I wasn’t sure what this treasure was, but I knew it was there.

*name changed for privacy, just in case.

16
Jan
10

story of my life… part 74

By Art. Life. Performance. Drawings. Music. 3 Comments
Categories: Elementary School., Kirk Cameron and The Story of My Life

On an unconscious level, I may have known I’d never play a role in Kirk Cameron’s life, but consciously, I really felt I had a chance.

I scoured Big Bopper and Tiger Beat and every bubble gum pop magazine for an address I could write him at.

Finally, after searching for months, I found a fan mail address.

I wrote him a heartfelt letter, along the lines of this: “My Dearest Kirk,  I am your number one fan.”  This was before the movie Misery came out.

“I love you dearly, and I want us to be boyfriend and girlfriend.  I am having a hard time in my life and I feel sad and don’t fit in.  Please, PLEASE come to Chicago and get me.  I want to go to California and live with you, and we can be on TV together.  Yours, always, Caila”

13
Jan
10

story of my life… part 73

By Art. Life. Performance. Drawings. Music. Leave a Comment
Categories: Elementary School., Kirk Cameron and The Story of My Life

Ms. Kato collected and reviewed our journals.  She returned them with comments written inside.

Mine read: “Caila, it’s wonderful that you enjoy Kirk Cameron so much, but please try to journal about some other topics as well.”

I sat down that day at journalling time and tapped my pen on the desk.  I started scrawling:

“Today, recess was fun.  It’s a nice sunny day and I played with Jane and Phillip, and I’M SORRY MS. KATO!!!  I CAN’T HOLD BACK!!!!  I LOVE KIRK SO MUCH IT HURTS!!  I LOVE KIRK I LOVE KIRK I LOVE KIRK I LOVE KIRK!!!!”

Ms. Kato wasn’t impressed.

Neither was Mr. Sampson, our history teacher.  I showed him one of my pictures of Kirk.  ”This is Kirk Cameron.  I love him and want to marry him one day.”

Mr Sampson said “He’s ugly.  He has little peepee eyes, just like you.  Now, look at Mahdi!  Madhi has big, clear, beautiful eyes!”

I hated Mr. Sampson, but liked that he said Kirk and I resembled each other.

Mr. Sampson once took my desk and dragged it to the back of the room facing the wall.

“I don’t want to look at your face,” he said.

I know I was misbehaving somehow i.e. talking during class, but I don’t recall the exact nature of my misdemeanor.

31
Dec
09

story of my life… part 72

By Art. Life. Performance. Drawings. Music. 1 Comment
Categories: Elementary School., Kirk Cameron and The Story of My Life

Nine years old, and I was deeply obsessed with Kirk Cameron from TV’s Growing Pains. A part of me believed that he and I would be together soon.

Ms. Kato gave us a journalling assignment. Every day after recess, we’d have fifteen minutes to free-write.  Day after day, I wrote nothing but “I love Kirk. I love Kirk.” over and over again in many varying ways.

I was so obsessed with Kirk, I was nearly out of my mind.  He was constantly in my thoughts.  I convinced my mom and Grandma to buy me Tiger Beat and Teen Beat and Big Bopper magazines, and I plastered his image all over my walls.  I’d just stare at them.  I also stuck pictures of him into my Chandler’s assignment notebook.  Every year at Edison, we’d receive a Chandler’s assignment notebook, and what could be a better use of such an item than this?!  I was devoted, and I put this out there in every way I knew possible with the idea that it’d help bring him to me.  He would take me to California, we would be on TV together, and together we would profess our true love for each other for the whole world to see.

In one of my Chandler’s pictures, he had his arm around a gorgeous blonde girl with big breasts.  I cut the breasts out of the picture, because to hell with that bitch.

Kirk Cameron was MINE, and she ought to have known better.